Take Nothing For Granted
LIVE the life you want
LOVE what is important to you
LAUGH till you cry
LEARN from your mistakes
LLLL
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Life is Complicated and All I do is Bitch About it
Once again I’m posting something about how hard and fucken stressful life is. Same shit different day.
I talked to my mom about moving to town when I go to KCC. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew that she would get stressed. I knew she wouldn’t say yes. I knew it was too expensive. I knew that I would get stressed. I knew that money was a problem. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I knew it was a mistake. Not a mistake to go back to school at KCC but just a mistake that I didn’t plan a god damn thing out.
I keep telling myself that I’m doing his, going back to school in Hawaii, for me and that this is what I want to do. But I feel like its just a lie and I’m really doing it to be with jake. Idk. I keep telling myself that this is what I want to do and what I want to do for my life but is that really true? I fucken doubt it. My whole life I’ve bottles things up and never talked about what’s going through my head. I think to myself about every fucken little possibility that messes with my mind. I can never think straight and clearly about what I want. I keep to myself and don’t even try to let people in.
So lately I’ve been stressing about my plans for next year. I feel like I’m caught between doing what I want and doing what I’m capable of. I want to move to town and live with jake but I know I can’t afford it. Or at least my parents can’t. I am dependent on them and. Money is such a fucken big deal that I hate talking about it with them and bringing it up. Moving to town will eventually have to be the reality at least next year it will be. If I do this program I’m going to be needing to get to KCC and town by 6:00am. I can’t do that shit living in Kapolei. So I’m stressing about what is Goig to happen 2 fucken years from now. What the fuck. God fucken dammit.
How do I tell my parents about that? Will they support me? What will they think? How will they react? How will I tell them? What am I going to do if I apply to the program, get accepted, and have to be in town by 6:00? What will I do? Will they get mad? They won’t be happy? They’ll be stressed. I will be stressed.
What about jake? I keep worrying he’s not gonna be happy. I’m scared we might break up because I can’t plan with him in it. I’m scared that he might get so unhappy living in kapolei that he just gets fed up and everything we have crumbles because I can’t make decisions. I’m just worried things between us aren’t going to work out. Fuck. I’m a wreck and no one knows and I don’t want to tell anyone.
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You’ve Found the Right Guy
You are the first person who understands me. You know me. You get me. You know that I am sweet and kind on the inside but I try to be a normal guy on the outside. I’m fun and cool (-ish) and you like that and at the same time im sensitive and adorable.
I’ve always wanted to be that kind of guy. The one you see in the movies who is rugged and manly and jock-ish. But when that right girl comes along who really brings out the true person he is on the inside. You start to see he is passionate, caring, respectful, loving, gentle, and sensitive. I’ve always wanted to be that type of guy in a relationship and now that I’m with you, and you’ve told me jus how much of that I represent, I really am happy to say the least. Although we may never talk about it again, I know that that is the way you feel about me and that is all that matters. I love you so much and it feels good to know I have someone as special as you in my life who knows the real me.
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Worthless, Unnecessary, Disregardable
Im stressed out just thinking about the fucking future! How many god damn fucken times do I need to post some shit like this. Im fucken sick of myself, my life, and everything about my. Im fucked up and a fucken piece of shit loser who cant MAN THE FUCK up. Im pathetic. Fucken worthless. Pissed.
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Stop Worrying and Just Do It
I need to STOP being a bitch and START taking control of my future. I’ve written about this countless times and it’s about time I start doing what I’ve said I should be doing. MAN THE FUCK UP AND DO SOMETHING. How long have I been siting in the back row? How long have I just waited and let things pass on by? how long have I been wanting a future for myself but I’ve been to scared and afraid to do anything about it? The answer to all these questions is to damn long. I’m not telling myself to jus all of a sudden take charge of every situation and e a dick or asshole about it. Jus make little adjustments. SPEAK UP. ASK QUESTIONS. GET INVOLVED. USE MY VOICE. TALK TO PEOPLE. TALK TO MY TEACHERS. I need to give myself some credit. I’ve talked to Aunty Sandy. I’ve tried talking to Shannon Foley (although she wasnt that greatest amount of help). I’ve talked to Jessica’s sister. I went back to ask my professor to take my test. I CAN TALK TO PEOPLE. I just need to know that I can and have confidence in myself. Trust my instincts.
I jus need to know how I felt jus before Goin into those conversations. I always think to much of what might happen. What could happen. What could go wrong. What I might say. The different scenarios of the way the conversation might go. I need to stop thinking about all that crap and just do it. Cuz I know once I do get into it, I can generally handle myself. Jus don’t think about the possibility of messing up when I haven’t even done anything. Like the quote from a Cinderella Story (the one with Hillary Duff): “Never Let the Fear of Striking Out Keep you from Playing the Game.” I need to stop worrying and just do it. Like Nike.
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Man the Fuck Up
I finally have an idea of what I want my career to be, but still, whenever I think about the future, I still get anxious an irritated. Tonight jake tried to help me figure what I need to ask my advisor about. He helped a lot but I couldn’t help but redirect my irritation and anger toward him whenever I couldn’t figure something out. I’m sorry for being mad at you. I wasnt intending to direct my anger towards you. It kinda just happened. I was aware of myself doing it too but I couldn’t help it. I’m so so sorry.
But on a more positive note, I am happy that I think I have found a career that is suitable for Me. For once I’m excited and interested about something. I actually did some research about it to find out what the job entails and the amount of schooling that is required. I’m interested in learning about this job. For once, I’ve found something. I’m afraid tho that I’ll mess it up. Either by not askin the right questions. Asking the wrong questions. Being to scared to ask any question. I just have to man the fuck up and take control of my own future. I can’t be afraid to ask stupid questions. I can’t be afraid to making myself vulnerable to idiocies and judgment. I can’t be afraid of makin my own future the way I want it to be. Get shit done. Don’t be a pussy. Man the fuck up.
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Flipping Coin
My life is spinning out if control. Im going crazy trying to figure out what to do with my life. I fucken hate the future. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I’m afraid. I keep going back and forth thinking its gonna work out fine and I’ll figure it out. And at the same time I think that it’s all gonna fall to shit and I won’t have accomplished anything and college would have been a waste. I was happy living in my blissful world where I thought everything was going to work out in the end. But I guess I’m in the real world now and I’m jus a fucken retard. I don’t know what the fuck the big deal is to go and talk to someone about this shit. What the fuck does it matter what other people think of me. Only I do give a fuck of what others think and I don’t know why.
I feel like my life and me are his a total lie. I put on this persona of a nice person respectful and good when deep down I feel like I could honestly not give a flying fuck whatsoever. And again at the same time I feel like I wanna help people and do the right thing an be nice. But where has that gotten me so far?? Fucken nowhere. We will just have to see we’re this coin lands. Heads or tails.
I really didn’t wanna drag you into this but I feel like its your fault. I know your just trying to do the right thing and help me but shit. I was happier before when you werent. I was in that world where everything was ok and good and constant and blissful and naive and whatever. But fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I’m such a fucken indecisive piece of shit and can’t stop looking at and thinking about both sides of the goddam situation. This fucken coin in the air is spinning and flipping and I don’t know where itll land and it’s confusing an irritating the shit out of me.
Fuck I’m just in a bad fucken mood. I hate life right now. Go fuck yourself.
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Euphoria and Optimism
I’m suddenly feeling a great sensation of euphoria or excitement tonight. Idk what it is. In thinking of getting a job, moving off campus next year, talking to my counselor about the future, dancing and singing while mopping, waking up at 7 to go to class tomorrow, and working out like usual. But why am i feeling this way? Im not complaining, but it’s just weird. I know I want to move out of the dorms next year and I guess the talk with my mom jus made me feel at ease about the though. The thought of dealing with all the paper work and contracts and what not but it was jus talking that made it seem less stressful. Amazing how just talking about something can make other things seem easier. Talking about next years living situation with my mom makes me feel like I can do anything right now. Like I can accomplish Anything I want. I know that this feeling will disappear tomorrow but the memory if it will not. I know I’ll jus go back to being stressed and anxious about the future but I can still hope to not be right? I can hope that tomorrow I’ll have the same feelings I have now. I can hope that I can accomplish things I only think about doing. I can hope. I’m currently optimistic about the future. I want to get a job, I want to live on my own, in my own house, make my own rules. I want to talk to people who can help me figure out my Future and guide me in he right direction. I want those things. But will I get them? Idk. That is up to me and my actions and what I decide to do if I decide to do anything at all. Hopefully I will. Only time will tell. And this all started with a phone call i made to my mom tonight.
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F-ed up Future
From day-to-day I go through my life without much of a care in the world. I don’t plan for the future, I don’t think about the future, I don’t even wanna acknowledge the future. The future scares me. I don’t know what it’s like. I’m scared. I hate not knowing what my future is like. I guess I can sit back and jus let it pass me by, and I can complain as it fucks up my life, or I can get off of my scared ass and do something about it. Every fucking time its choice number one. Whenever even justthe word comes up I crawl into my shell and stop talking, ignore everyone, and become depressed. I’m such a little girl. Why can’t I stand up and fight for what I want, plan my future, ask questions, make mistakes, get involved, and stop sitting around. The only person I can blame is MYSELF and I’ve fucked up real bad. But nothing is unchangeable. I can create my future. Shape it how I want. Make it into my own.
Step 1: do something about it an talk to someone
